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I love you so much. Even as well, a friendship.

I can't find the words to express that. I just loved talking to you for the sake of it. Cheered me up instead of me hiding in my room till I fell asleep.



I might have been guilt tripping last night with a side of panic attack. I can't help it. The few years of the stupid system traumatized me.



I'm getting better at breathing through situations like that. It just ends up in a few tears of what could happen till I knock out. Tears, I know that's childish but if I hide that from myself as a person it gives into having an asthma attack and I'd rather be as stupid as a baby whining than to end up, sick. "Sick", blah, it's not like I mean to do that crap. >:/

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PAGAN
23:39 Dec 31 2011

Hey you :)

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TheArtistRose
23:48 Dec 31 2011

Hey! PAGAN's back! Yay!

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If I could have the last 5 minutes of yesterday to turn everything around I would have. I hate that I can't get any space from them some days. It's damned hard. I feel god awful. If I was someone to have ruined what we were almost over with, I could never forgive myself. I just hope the people who matter most can forgive me.



Maybe it's time I sleep.



I opened up my mouth and boy did I ever and then the people got angry from next door. Fuck. Some days I just wish I could hide away. Everything is too damn hard. >_x Life is not an inbox that can be deleted or ignored and yet I choose to do so.



I'm waiting for a better ending and it never seems to show up. I try and I'd rather give up so much but sense of pride keeps me going. Don't know where that comes from.

Fuck everything. I want to be bad on New Year's eve. That's my new year's resolution. I don't know what I'm going to do for it but if it's what I think it is then I doubt I'll be spending it on here. -Snickers- I'm counting on someone so I don't know. If all else sucks I'll be logged on.



What else do I want for myself? I have no idea. I'll just be an all around rotten thing.

Goals- Do stupid things!

-Lose my brain.

-Don't have anyone judge you.

That last goal is hard, so I won't tell people shit. ;)

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Requiem
12:07 Dec 30 2011

Be safe. Have a damned good time. :)

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Lullaby
12:16 Dec 30 2011

WOO!



I plan on having fun too. :o





Just be safe.

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I'm so angry right now. I had at least most of a page done from before and it's all gone. :( Yes, a sad face was needed for that. My brain hurts to even bother with it now.



At least I was working on a poem and got that done. And I have my net now, I just don't have the time for it all. I give up, I'd rather rest my brain and think of sweet thoughts.

The poem has nothing to do with the page. I wish pages had a profile back up type of thing. T__T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T__T I'mma e-sob my heart out. lol



My unfinished poem-



"I'll never be a princess.

Foes beaten senseless.

Battle marks, scars, none of self.

The harm of stories upon a shelf.

In the mirror I saw a black widow.

A web, masked upon a window.



Twas a fellow who wooed the stubborn.

Sheepishly, she gave in, with concern.

What goes though his mind?

Is this what they say is blind?"

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ghost121790
09:03 Dec 30 2011

aww :)

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Well that's fucked. :| My computer really does work by day and dies by night. This is no way for a vampire to be able to log on I tell you! D:



Joking, but still. :/ Everyone I usually talk to are night owls (Like me) or in different times zones. This sucks, lol.

Fuck you internet. =/

-via-dsi.-

Some wishful thinking before things turn for better or worse.

Some people remind me of the fond childhood memories I've had. I think that is what made this season a little brighter. No, I didn't get much but that's nothing to think about, I'm used to it. That's not what everything means to me.

Yesterday those words touched a really warm place in my heart. I have no idea if it's because you have a way with words or if it's just by chance but it made me think of you in a whole other direction and made me fall just slightly more. I'm so happy, and all I selfishly want is you. haha

Looks like my net is working well again.

Today, I'm slightly nervous. A judgement day of sorts. If all goes well then, good, one thing off of my back. I won't have to worry so much over her. It won't change the fact that this put me through so much stress, but it'll be over with. If all else fails, then, it was nice knowing you, brat. :/ I really hope no one calls on it again.

I know what I wrote last was a little 'weird' but sometimes when you're happy you say stupid things. :P

I feel like I'm a copy of my mother with such badass-ed-ness. lol It's a good feeling to be raised by the devil. Correction on the last title, *Devil's spawn, not the Devil. ;P



Muhaha!



Beautiful nightmare indeed.

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Come and be an evil ass bitch with me? :3

Break all da rules. ;D

>.o

Why is it that when I feel like shit ( I was still feeling ill from before. It doesn't make me think I'm pretty. xP) that men want to flirt with me? The guy was pulling off a "tuff" guy act. Saying curses and bad mouthing his skinny friend for being skinny. heh. I just wanted to pay my bill and get out.



I'm super picky. That ain't gonna happen. :P (Picky as in I already have my eye on someone. ;P ) Never even replied to him. Just nodded and walked out.



In other news, I'm jamming to some Beatles still. I haven't really listened to them in a year. I just sort of feel mushy. >_>

UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Why did I cook something that was in the freezer for so long and then stubbornly eat it when someone said it didn't taste right? T___T

Up and near the bathroom for tonight. The company isn't bad because at least I have him to make me feel semi-better. xP Since they can't sleep as well.



No food plz.

No holiday crap/sweets, and what have you.

No.

Ever really miss someone? Someone who you just can't ever talk to again? I never seem to miss anyone until years later. I have no idea what triggered the feeling. Maybe the way everyone else seems to have people they visit. Extended family. I envy that. I've been listening to the Beatles because I miss a few people. People that were worth calling family. Now it's like one person I wish would visit more but they could care less. I'm lucky if I see them once a year. I wish it wasn't like that.



For all I know we're just that shitty part of the family that they're ashamed to see. heh. Don't know. I can't read their thoughts.



I miss what I had as a kid. The ones that did care. The gone ones. I'll never forget them.

Looks like things might be looking up. Maybe, not like I get my hopes up anymore. I'm way past thinking that anything in this world is good.



Anyway, >.> The dude who was dying but didn't die was looking at his old jobs and might have found one for me. It's not the best one, I won't get paid much at all and I'll be working for long hours. Just as long as I get something then I won't give a damn. I mean, other people have it so well these days while there are people like me who can't find crap in this shit economy. Plus I get so upset that I can't do more to support others let alone my sorry ass.



I'll be asking for it tomorrow but I don't expect anything. My luck sucks and I can live with that fact. :D

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Lullaby
03:56 Dec 23 2011

Experience is better than nothing~! At the rate of the American economy, anything is better than nothing, and "anything" counts for experience, and experience makes for a better resume - for better jobs in the future.



Good luck, not that you need it!

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There's a nice storm out. I have most of the day off tomorrow except for bringing her to the dentist. Which might go well so that I can go back home and have some alone time. I doubt it. It's the thought that counts. lol



I'm bored. That can be bad. I want to do something funny but I should give it some time. Or should I? Heh. Now would be good.

So I went out with my mother, down town today and on the way back we went to a place to eat. The person waiting on us was odd. Lol... She said- she said that when she was with the other waitresses and they were talking and trying to compare me to a celebrity and that I looked like Lady Ga Ga. o_o >: Stupid Ga Ga. I still hate it. I just thought it was funny. I get called so many things; all I think is that I'm just me. :P



When we were going home this bible thumper was asking my mother out and wanted to take her to a church. lmfao I don't think that would have went well. Glad we escaped him. xD There are too many crazies out here tonight.

Hard working hands. Torn, abused; almost as bad as one and a half years ago. I can't find the camera this time but the description should be good enough.

Oddly enough I feel up enough to help her over to wherever she has to go. I just, feel a bit sick. I know, it seems like I'm always sick with something but I think the cold hates me. My nose is running.



I haven't had time for myself and I feel bad for him waiting on me. Makes me sound like a liar. I'll have to work extra hard next month. x_x

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Lullaby
12:15 Dec 21 2011

He'll understand.

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Okay so to cut it down to a very small entry compared to the one that got deleted. We had a crazy day at the doctors. I went and pushed her places. There was a crazy lady with a walker who all of a sudden could jump onto the next bus to cut in front and was a whiny little bitch. Threw the "respect your elders" line at my mother when she pushed by her and hurt her. My mom had a right to be upset.



I said "Thank you" a million times today. Everyone loves my hat. The only time it gets creepy is if it's men hitting on me. I rock this hat well. ;P



The friendliest person to say they liked my wolf hat was an old woman who was visiting someone from another country. She had said that she could picture getting her grandkids something like that but they don't have the same weather. She explained that they lived in Australia.

This next part reminds me of something I did on vampires.nu once. Except for the fact that my mother was crazy enough to ask. xD



"So, are you familiar with the show Seinfeld? Well I always wanted to know what was up with this one scene where the crazy lady in the show, Elaine, says in one episode (At this point my mother says it the way the character had in the show with an accent) "Maybe the Dingo ate your baby""



The lady answers and says well a woman had her baby eaten by one.



I know in text this doesn't sound funny but having the balls to say that was. x:

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Lullaby
12:16 Dec 21 2011

Jerry Seinfeld is really popular here, actually. He's in a lot of bank commercials and home-loan ones, too.

I haven't seen that episode though, lol.

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FUCK! D: D: D: I had a huge entry here and I let someone by me for one minute and poof. They closed my browser. DDDDDDD: God dammit. I give up.

Every time you punish her, you punish me as well. I'm too old for that. There was a point where I gave up on everything. Games, tv, all that good stuff. I still don't even care for it. For the past two years I've loved the net. That's something you hold over me. I'm just tired of you blaming me for not being responsible for her. I know you can't do everything but it's not my fault she never learns. I do enough while that brat makes me hold things after all the hard work of helping you. Yet she has the nerve to say I don't do anything. I only regret listening to you and not just going to bed to ignore your ear rape of a retarded conversation. I'm sick of not being able to win, I'll never win. Not while I'm still a stupid fuck up. Congrats.



It's too early in the morning for me to think. Loooong day again. T___T You guys are lucky I love you. I'm one stupid fuck.

Chanukah tomorrow night. It's going to be a long day. Taking someone to the doctors and then looking to see if we can catch an event. So, it might not be perfect but we did get some treats today. That can be good enough.



Wen- Going down town to pick something up.

Thurs- Food shopping so to speak.

Fri - I have no idea but it'll be something.



We might end up going to someone's place for the 25th. I don't know though. The other two don't want to go.

I just wish we could do our own thing on our holiday but I don't care at this point. I'll light things up for myself.



This year should end faster.

For 2012 I plan to be bad. I don't even want to be judged for it. Just plain old "I don't give a fuck." I doubt that would happen. lol That's my new year resolution.

I probably have the worst bed hair ever. lol Those two woke me up again at around 4 and they were laughing at my hair. haha It's so bad it's funny. :P

Blood shot eyes don't look so awesome.

I try to go to bed during the day but they don't understand. At night I know I can't sleep as well but I do my best. Even if it means doing a few sit ups just to waste energy. Not a lot, just a few.



When I sleep during the day it only happens for a few hours and it's because when people talk in the other room it invades my dreams and disrupts me. The worst part is probably the fact that they wake me up. :| For retarded things. Ah well.



I woke up from 6 hours of sleep and I should just go back to bed. One eye is still red.



Heh, and yesterday they were angry because I said I was too tired to go with them anywhere. They just don't know.. that, I am sleepy. It's not like I'm stopping anyone. ._. They just want their doggy to push their sled... (Not literally) T_T I'd be happy to but I feel weak.

Anything to shut you up. Make you happy. I'd give you my breakfast if I could have some peace and rest for the afternoon. Just be happy and leave me alone.



All I care about are you guys. I'm sorry I snapped yesterday because I wanted a nice holiday for once. It was her death time and you're still not over it. Understandable. Guess I have no one to celebrate with but it doesn't mean I won't give up on what I wish I had.

More than anything I've wanted to help out. Which is why the below entry will come off as is. I just can't find anything and I've accepted that fact. Everyone is searching for something and not even the shitty jobs are there.



I've been trying to be good and that one call from him fucked up everyone's mood. It's just freaking sad of him.



There are some things that I'll never work for too. I'd rather .. well I'm not going to finish that sentence, but yeah. I'd never do some things because I just wouldn't.



Yes, I've given up searches because they led to pain, a waste of time and too much rejection. I've just been helping out a hell of a lot at home. All of which I guess adds up to nothing.



Meh, I'm a grade A loser.

This is so hard to say to someone who is one of the people who I wanted to look up to. Fuck you mean old scary man. :(



Kick a lion while she's down. Fuck. You.



Life isn't going to be so fun later on but I'll keep my pride. You'll never know what I had to go through. Family my ass, I'm sorry I failed; I just don't care anymore.



Well, my mood is fucked. :/

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Bones
04:27 Dec 16 2011

Uhm... Is that an invitation? ;)

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Sometimes I feel like a puppy or a little kid who runs around till they fall asleep. I know I'm not, I don't know what's come over me but just hearing her say I've been good all week made me feel nice. A little praise can go a long way. .. People often forget that... Least it makes me happy. >:



I love them so much. Maybe it's because I am less selfish (Or feel guilty for having been a little selfish in the past) and more giving because it makes me feel better. Knowing that my mother has done such a well job raising us. She deserves it.



I can say though, that I should take the afternoon off for some rest. It's going to be a crazy next week along with the rest of these few days.

Going back in for a half an hour break to put away items, I realize how much I enjoy what I have at times. Like my boots. They've lasted years now. I haven't had a good pair of anything in the longest. There was a point when I was younger that I did want to buy something slightly pricey but it still never lasted. So I never cared as much about shoes as some people do. I wear everything down till the gain holes in their soles. Be it sandals, sneakers or steel toe boots.



The boots I have now are nothing but a cheap pair of simple steel toe Rugged Outbacks. It was the first time I had tried the brand and years from now if these die I'd get a new pair from the same company.

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Requiem
02:43 Dec 15 2011

I LOVE finding things like that - excellent value.

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Being a good girl is hard. Couldn't help to show off when people said things were too heavy. Went down town with my mother and her friend. Even though my hip hurt like hell, I helped everyone like a boss.



I've been thinking about it. Maybe this injury started with my first fall and they took care of my major problem and never fixed the rest. Who knows. One step at a time and I'll go get it taken care of.



Just gotta keep on being good to wash away my guilt like in a few entries below.

I love my Medusa. I let her get away with everything. Even begging me for half of my sandwich. Those are her favorite. Don't know what it is with her and bread but she loves it. She'll go over to me and tap me with her paw till it gets annoying.

This morning she was chasing the back of my feet and pawing at my ankles. haha Acting like such a baby for an oldie. That's my baby girl. ;P When I pick her up she puts her paws on my face trying hug me.



I've been meaning to get a second chair when I'm online. She loves just being with me as an equal. By my side no matter what.

Came back from the dentist. It wasn't bad at all and I even fell asleep. Though I think I drooled on myself. >_>'



My sister and I were having fun acting silly outside and we got some food. Including some -coughs- chocolate. The kind of chocolate that I had in a link recently. Heh. I wanted it because it's there and it's bad. Not bad as in rotten, just plain bad.



I told her that she ripped the under arm of her sleeve and she spent half an hour trying to find it in public. lmfao There was no rip. x: I just made her look like a monkey outside. haha



My new avie that I took this morning makes me think of licking windows. xD

Gotta love it when little kids rage. Well, not so little anymore. Almost as tall as me, so close to the same. Still, come on bitch, bring it. haha You so hit like the little sibling you'll always be. >_> Mad yet? ;D I'm not even fighting back. I don't believe in it. I'm just laughing. :P

So it's almost the end of the year. It's been 2 years since we went from one hell to another. I never thought that I'd think of it again but... it happens. Two years since I told one of my biggest confessions. Which, come to think of it, was almost as hard as the confession of this year. I will never explain myself right here in this open journal but I am thankful for all of those who I've been able to talk to.



If you think about it, for those two years, it's been only a few months longer of when I joined VR. I was joining things back then to belong somewhere. This place has been a great way to relax and not go insane. haha



I feel bad in a way. Almost guilty. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I realize how much I end up bitching. There are some people that I love to death, so much that even if I'm still a loser years from now, I'll have them to love, and that will be just fine.

My dreams get odder and odder. o.O In the end it's the same jerking up thing. Makes me end up tired and cranky in the morning.

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Lullaby
03:36 Dec 10 2011

Tired and cranky?





You need porno dreams to fix that!

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TheArtistRose
03:53 Dec 10 2011

lmao I don't have sexsomnia.

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Lullaby
12:50 Dec 11 2011

Jerking up thing?





Uh-huh...

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You make everything right. Maybe I'll sleep tonight. Sure will have good dreams. :P

After months of not hurting, my hip hurts again. Must have been because of the fall I took when I moved my chair. It was pretty funny though.

I'm having 2nd thoughts about something. Can't shake it off of my mind but it's better not to over react too fast. That ends up getting into more trouble that what it's worth. I need to fix my trust issues. Annoying little things. Time mends all. Though I wish it was November 28th forever or January 11th by now. :/ Just something to look forward to.



The woman from the case was over last night. She said she'll be back in two weeks. Two weeks are when the holidays start don't they?



Now for more little kid bitching: My head hurts, my hips hurts, I have a fever, I have errands to run, I'm afraid to rest and people annoy me. LOL Damn I have dumb issues. I can only laugh at myself.



Tonight! Tonight I'll treat myself to something. That'll set me straight. Then maybe I'll rest for a good long time. I should probably go to the doctors soon.

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Lullaby
03:35 Dec 10 2011

"The woman from the cave was over last night."



Why do I read everything as "cave"? O.o



Sleep, rest, rest, sleep - THEN TO THE DOCTORS!

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Didn't want to write anything bad for a while but blah. I hate when I get like this. Went to bed for only a few hours. Then I wake up not being able to breathe. I don't want to go back to sleep. x_x (Something hot to drink usually helps)



I bet I've had some sort of sleep disorder for some time but I never asked to get it checked out. Sucks because I've had such a head ache tonight.

My sister hooked up her Wii and we started playing games on it. The first one didn't work and took too long to load. So we put in another Sonic game. I don't really understand how to work the controls that well. o_0 So I tried, then there was this move where you jerk the remote up and down and I totally made a jerk off joke. lmfao

I don't think I'll be any good at gaming. xD

Whenever I go to sleep these days I end up waking up all sore. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing in my sleep but it's like body aches. O.o Like I was working out in my sleep. lol Weird.

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Requiem
12:35 Dec 06 2011

Well. Are ya getting buff?



Heh

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Lullaby
16:06 Dec 06 2011

^ HAH.



"... wtf, I didn't even know it was possible to get muscles here."

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Requiem
01:03 Dec 08 2011

AHAHAHAHAHA Those are called KEGELs Kateh.





...







Yeah, I probably ought to have not gone there. >.o

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TheArtistRose
01:44 Dec 08 2011

Yeah, totally what I was doing. lmfao Not. xD

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I feel odd. Like really good and happy. o.O All I want to do is sleep and hug something to death.

Made a great breakfast tonight. Can't be compared to the Spanish food I had before though. Arroz y gandules con una rellenos de papas, medio pollo y pastillos. Con una bebida dulce de coco. ♥ I NEED to go back to that Puerto Rican place again. Their food was better than the other places I usually go to. All that was missing was an alcapurria. :[ I can't even make those. Too damn hard. My favorite things though.



[The above I'll translate: Rice and gandules (Gandules are pigeon peas) with a potato ball (It translates to something like this. It's like a ball made with mashed potatoes and has meat inside.) , half a chicken and pastillos( A shell like thing with meat, cheese, or whatever you choose. Mine had chicken.) . With a coconut drink.]



I made bacon, hash browns mixed with my awesome eggs and toast. I use Spanish spices when cooking; just used a little adabo on the eggs along with some milk and butter. The bacon was turkey bacon because I'm now addicted to that. It's sweet bacon! :P

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Requiem
00:34 Dec 06 2011

o.o I just had an omelet and now I am so damned hungry again. Mmmmm

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TheArtistRose
00:36 Dec 06 2011

What can I say? I'm evil when I talk about food. ;P

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Yo, it felt mad good chillin with my homies. We went to visit my little cuz, though he's not really, I just grew up with these people. The poor 5 year old was in ICU and my mom let their mom barrow some change and she got her some food.



Haven't been to that hospital in 13 years. Everything seemed so ... good. The places to eat there. Got my meat on a stick and ate really great Spanish food after.

I feel bad for the little guy though he seems to be recovering better than he had yesterday.

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Lullaby
06:57 Dec 04 2011

Meat stick?



...







.......







Dirty. o_o

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The bad moment when your filling comes out again. Meh. I wanted today to be good but it sucked. I don't like eating with a sucky tooth. The best part is that the dentist is on vacation. Heh. I have a shit load of errands to do and I've already done things like take others to doctors appointments. I want to sleep and not wake up in the morning but I will anyone cause that's how shit is.



I miss talking to someone but they aren't online. Sucks for me cause I could be talking on the phone if I had one. >: I can't even get my mind off of some funny lines. That's why I had one song in mind. I'll post the bottom half of the lyrics. haha



"Severin, down on your bended knee

Taste the whip, in love not given lightly

Taste the whip, now plead for me



I am tired, I am weary

I could sleep for a thousand years

A thousand dreams that would awake me

Different colors made of tears



Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather

Whiplash girlchild in the dark

Severin, your servant comes in bells, please don't forsake him

Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart.

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LordGrimbeard
01:55 Dec 01 2011

man! that happened to me once. That hurts when a filling comes out. Sorry. :/

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